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I definitely just had a beautiful fact revealed to me and I feel as though I need to share it with as many people as possible. So here goes.

Valentine’s Day has always been a difficult time for me. I’m not sure how it ended up that way, but it has. Maybe it’s because I’ve been single my entire life thus far. Or maybe something happened in my childhood and I’ve just wiped it out of memory. Or maybe I just made the decision somewhere along the line that it’s not seemingly possible for me to enjoy such a holiday. I don’t really know. It doesn’t make sense. I love seeing all the red and pink, all the unique chocolates and treats, and the warmth and fuzziness and having an excuse to craft things. But somehow every year bitterness creeps back into my heart, rearing its ugly head.

I’ve shared a little bit on this blog about my recent struggles regarding the true nature of guarding my heart. Some aspects of this have gotten easier for me, but many aspects seem to be increasingly difficult. There is a battle going on within, and while the Lord is trying to train me and build me up, the world is trying to weaken me and tear me down. 

Today was a more difficult day. As we approach Valentine’s Day, I can feel the bitterness making its entrance again. Often, I’m just too emotionally and spiritually exhausted to fight it. Just a while ago as I returned to my dorm after a long night of studying, I began reflecting back on some things and I silently and selfishly cried out to God, asking “Why are guys never attracted to me?” And then, it was as if something had tapped me on the shoulder, or the back of the head, some sort of pressure that caused me to look up. And clear as day, the Holy Spirit spoke up, and I heard the most direct words I’ve heard from God in a while:

"Is it not sufficient that am attracted to you?”

And I just think it’s so beautiful and comforting that the Creator of the Universe, The Prince of Peace, The Great I AM, is ATTRACTED to me. He wants to spend time with me just as much—and even more—than I want to spend time with some cute kid on campus. While I’m fighting for a guy’s attention, God has been fighting for my attention. God loves us and is attracted to us in the most beautiful, mysterious, and unimaginable ways! And that’s something I want to keep in mind not just on Valentine’s Day, but the whole year round.

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So, I got on tumblr for the first time in a long time tonight…and I am extremely disappointed. When did it become so saturated with stereotypes, with people craving attention, with everything about the internet that seems harmful to society?

This is ridiculous. I used to see a lot more positive content on here.  I don’t want to be reminded of human depravity whenever I log on, I want to be encouraged. I would like to propose a movement/return to more positive blogging. It doesn’t have to be all sunshine and rainbows. But it’d be nice if we let a little light in. Any thoughts?

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On another note, this is a shameless plug for my other blog, the Writer’s Corner. the url is inkpower.tumblr.com   If you would be interested in reading any of my poetry or short stories and providing criticism, please check it out! Thanks. =)

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"You don’t want to be lusted after, you want to be sought after"

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One of these days, I’ll manage to post on here more consistently. But anyway…

College has caused me to think harder about a lot of things. Some of these things are great things that will take me further in life, and some of these things I wish I didn’t think about so often. 

One thing that’s kind of in the middle of those two extremes is the topic of relationships, or who I might want to marry one day. I love thinking about it, just like any other girl who wants a dream-day wedding and a happy life with someone who would give her the moon. On the other hand, I know myself enough to know that sometimes I get too caught up in that kind of thing and lose sight of what is really important. And I really get down on myself when I let myself get distracted and let some guy reduce me to the mindset of a 12 year old girl. 

Recently I’ve really been praying for God to open my eyes to exactly how to guard my heart, because it’s something I’ve always been really bad at. It’s not that I wear revealing clothing or sleep around, it’s just that I fall for guys really easily and more often than not that tends to begin to make or break my mood on a lot of days. So, I’ve been praying a lot for God to help me guard my heart. And then one day, in the quiet of my dark dorm room, God turned on this lightbulb in my head. Like all of a sudden it made more sense. 

It occurred to me that guarding my heart doesn’t just mean remaining pure physically, or not lusting. It’s hard to pinpoint what guarding my heart is, but it suddenly became very clear to me what guarding my heart is not. 

I am not guarding my heart when I…

  1. When I flirt with a guy intentionally, or intentionally try to get a compliment or comment out of him.
  2. When I ask one of my girlfriends or one of his buddies to “play my advocate” to him and ask what he thinks of me.
  3. When I make up all these master schemes in order to be close to him, or intentionally alone with him, (regardless of whether it is intimately or “innocently”).
  4. When I ask a friend to talk to him for me.
  5. When I pretend to like stuff that I don’t or present myself falsely to gain his favor or make him happy.
  6. When I intentionally “facebook stalk” him or his friends.
  7. When I mention him constantly in conversation.
  8. when I plan “group outings” just to get more time with him.

The list could go on for days. All of us girls have these little things that we do when we like someone, and I know that sometimes I use these things as an “alternative” to being what is normally considered impure. I make excuses like “If I make certain statements in casual conversation, they won’t count as flirtatious” or “If I make it look like a group outing, it doesn’t count as a date” I know those things sound silly, but I realized I use a lot of those weird inadvertent things as a way to deal with my feelings without really facing them.

And of course, now God is giving me a challenge in guarding my heart. At first, I was wondering why on earth God would allow me to develop feelings for this guy when I’d already been praying about how horrible I am at guarding my heart. But then I realized, that’s just it. How can I get better, if I don’t have practice?

And thus, I am learning how to more properly deal with my feelings. Let’s just say its a work in progress.